GIRL POWER AND THE SECURITY OF OGYAKROM

Dear President of Ogyakrom,

I am not an expert on matters of security but that doesn’t stop me from commenting on a matter of grave concern. As our elders say, “Crocodile’s shame, is Alligator’s shame” to wit “A matter that dishonours the crocodile also dishonours the alligator”. I am an Ogyakromian, so Ogyakrom’s shame is my shame.

Rather uncharacteristic of the BNI, they decided to speak to the media to clear the small matter of Asa B’s family holiday that had to be rudely aborted before it started. In that interview, I heard that Mama Asabee challenged the BNI operative to a contest on who keeps her husband’s passport and won. Mr. president, if a field agent in the BNI cannot prevail against an average Ghanaian woman who has no known credential as a practitioner in the management of aggression, how safe are we?

Forgive me for reading too many CIA thrillers but all the heroes in these books are never expected to lose a fight to ordinary civilians not to mention ladies, unless of course the lady is a trained assassin. My image of our average security operative is a very intelligent person with adequate training in village wrestling techniques which will be counted on to restrain stubborn fugitives who will not succumb to mere words. He is not necessarily the heavy weight champion, but with no disrespect to womanhood, he is not expected to lose a fight to the average Ghanaian woman who is hardly mentioned if aggression is required.

Mr. President, will you be so kind to setup a comic tea (apologies to the Kwatroit), sorry a committee, with lots of tea drinking money to investigate this matter. As part of their terms of reference, the committee should ascertain if Mrs. Asabee is a qualified black belt in tae kwan do , if she is, she must be drafted into our security apparatus by a presidential edict – we can do with her skills- if she isn’t , please fire the security operative with immediate effect! We have no business leaving the business of securing our nation to weaklings.

Before you blame the NPP for weakening the security service by providing job for the boys at the wrong institutions, let me remind you that there have been similar security infractions in the country that had little to do with the NPP. Do you recall that in the last days of his Jerryship’s administration when you were the vice president of Ogyakrom, Mr.and Mrs Djentu were prosecuted for assaulting a military security guard, when they visited the castle to enquire about the where about of their son who was being given identification hair cut at the castle at the time? An un-armed over sixty year old woman and her equally unarmed sexagenarian husband had the effrontery to attack an armed commando from the dreaded 64 battalion at the castle of all places? Who recruits these guys into our elite security institutions?

Apart from physically over powering our security guards, Girl Power has breached our security in more subtle forms in the past. Do you also recall that during that same presidential period, a young American lady got the State of Ogyakrom to guarantee millions of US Dollars under the pretext of turning the Aveyime plains into rice plantations? Yes, I am referring to the infamous Aveyime saga, that landed very decent and respectful men in the dehumanizing jails of Ogyakrom. This Cotton Damsel charmed the watchmen of our precious resources to make her an instant millionaire in her native America. In fact, she had the audacity to count her spoils in a church, with our ministers cheering. Perhaps it was that abomination that caused the heavenly host to expose her subsequently throwing her behind bars in the US. She was bloody lucky she didn’t have to serve time in a Ghanaian jail. Mr. President, this time it is our economic and food security that was breached by another daughter of Eve- Girl Power! Is it true she carried so much clout that she even disrespected you, in your capacity as the Vice president of Ogyakrom?

Mr. President, do you remember that in the aftermath of the June 4 revolution a past military president was accused of using the nation’s money to acquire golf to women with the correct vital statistics? I understand that in those days, young women driving golf were viewed with the same suspicion young men in hummers are viewed today. Once again the security we built around our scarce resources was powerless against the onslaught of a girl wave.

Mr. President, I believe I have cites enough examples to make my point- the security of our state depends on strength and intelligence. In both departments, our security has proven to be very vulnerable to a serious bug- The Girl Power! Please call an emergency cabinet meeting.

Yours sincerely

OGYAKROMIAN!!!

Bayie Kɔɔɔɔɔɔɔɔɔɔɔɔɔɔɔ!!!

“The witch cried yesterday and the child died today, who does not know that it was the witch that cried yesterday that killed the child who died today” Yoruba proverb.

Brutus, My brother from another mother, since I got back to Accra, I have been very reluctant to travel in a vehicle with wheels - cars, lorries, mummy trucks, motor bikes, bicycles, tricycles, trucks, wheel barrows, you name them- I’m avoiding them all. Brutus, the news is that they’re back in full force, the witches are back! The witches of Ghana!

Brutus, I know in your part of the world you do not believe in witches for reasons I believe are linked to a deep seated belief in your psyche that the last witch hunt in Europe that saw massive executions in places like Denmark and Exerter finished off this heretic breed. Not so in Africa. Our witch hunt might have been interrupted by European colonizers who imposed laws that didn’t allow us to bring closure to the issue of witchcraft. As a result, they live with us, eat with us and share all the perks of democracy with us. They are at the bottom of all that is ugly in Africa, high mortality, poor quality of life, increasing population of bastards, low sperm count, barrenness, low farm yield and even baldness. My Brother from another mother, do you know how many lives have been claimed by road traffic accident in Ghana this year? The news is that all these horrendous accidents are incidents orchestrated from “spiritus mundis” by powerful sorcery. Some politicians are supposed to have consulted the world of the spirits to help them win elections, however, these felons haven’t lived up to their part of the bargain, the result is a massive rain of fireball on the streets of Ogyakrom. Since this revelation which has been authenticated by Christians, muslims and anaemists alike, I gave up on cars.

Brutus, however, I have great difficulty understanding the modus operandi of these flying saucers of Africa. Don’t be mistaken, I am not referring to UFOs . In fact, I have a strong suspicion that our definition of witchcraft, AKA bayiee, is different from definitions in other parts of the world. For the avoidance of doubt, a witch is usually, a woman or child and occasionally men whose rendezvous point is usually at the summit of the biggest trees in a forest. Their meeting agenda has only three items: Blood, Blood and Blood. Brutus, the easiest way to identify a witch in a village is to look for a defenseless woman whose face is battered by want, leaving little beauty to be cherished. I do not know what kind of succession is practiced in Ghanaian witchdom but they never pass on the powers to a beautiful charming educated influential woman in Ghanaian Society. The kind of powers attributed to the witch is totally incongruous to her life of abject poverty. The witch has the ability to fly but can’t create an airplane, the ability to kill a man but can’t resurrect his goat, the ability to maim but can’t heal- surely this is an epitome of the sad story of Africa, the richest continent in resources but alas carries the world’s poverty as a crown without shame.

In your part of the world, you seek rational explanation to things that don’t go right, but in Ogyakrom, our first point of call is the super natural. Why do we do that? Because the bible says they are there! You see, before the whiteman introduced us to Christianity, we knew all about bayie, when we took the scripture we searched until we found Exodus 22: 18, “Suffer not a witch to live”, that was all we needed to link all our bayiee to witchcraft. Ask an average forty year old Ogyakromian the following?

Question: Do you believe Yaa killed her rival’s daughter through withcraft?

Ans: Yes I do

Question: Any evidence that she really has witchcraft?

Ans: No. Do you want me to experience it first? The bible says it is there.

Que: Do you believe Juju makes people rich?

Ans: Yes!

Que: You know it for a fact?

Ans: Don’t you watch Nigeria movies?

Brutus, I am not kidding, I can list a tall list of exploits by the witches of Ghana. My 79 year old grandfather didn’t die a natural death. My uncle who drank too much for his liver to process was killed by Yaa nom.

My auntie who got an infection and was only sent to the hospital after the soothsayer failed to heal her was killed by all those people the soothsayer identified.

My footballer friend Fuutse who loved training like the goat loves being tied in a rope, lost his position in the team to Ankobra because the latter used Juju.

We had only few rains in May because the market queens in Makola shook their backsides at the skies to clear the clouds that gathered so they don’t interrupt their sale.

Brutus, in certain parts of Ogyakrom, a man can perform some rituals with a padlock and if his wife cheats on him with another man, the two cheaters get stuck in the act like dogs till the man returns. Have I seen this before? No, we only hear of them, but they must be true, the bible says there are forces.

Koo Brabo who hailed from a mountainous village in Ogyakrom bought one of those old VW beetles and took it to the village. Whiles all his folks flocked around the new toy, he walked to the front to open the bonnet, and to his horror there was no sign of an engine. The man was joined by his folks to wail and curse the witches in his family as everybody pointed accusing fingers towards hut that housed the usual suspect, Yaa Etufaa. As the Ululation continued, Kofi Broni the mechanic arrived in the compound and had a hearty laugh on hearing the cause of the uproar. He took Koo to the back of the vehicle and explained to him that this car was designed with the engine at the back and not the front. Poor Yaa Etufa, nobody bothered to apologize to the old witch, of course not , she must be a witch! How else could she have outlived all her contemporaries with her 68 year old body actually looking like she was 90?

A few years ago, all men had to walk around Accra with their hands cusped on their most important members because there were rumours of people who lost their genitals after shaking hands with some strangers. In fact, some families lost their sole bread winners because the poor guys were suspected to have caused a few genitals to fly out of position. There is no record of any body walking the streets of Ogyakrom today with nothing dangling between his thighs as a result of those incidents but the guys were killed anyway, and we still believe their genitals were charmed away. Of course it is easy to verify if a man’s genitals are locked in position by mere inspection, but nobody bothered to do that before pouncing on the “culprit” and sending him to join the ancestors.

Back to the modus operandi of the flying saucer, why do these deities that were consulted for election miracles kill innocent people for the sins of politicians who have no relations with them and who they didn’t even vote for? I have heard of other deities who kill everybody in a family for the sins of one man who is only killed as a last resort if the family doesn’t make a sacrifice. These African deities mete out African Justice.

Brutus, I’m coming back to Europe sooner than I thought. I missed Ogyakrom, but I can’t stand the fire in the kitchen, I will walk to the airport, I won’t give any deity the pleasure of sacrificing me for a politician’s folly.

Sincerely yours

Ogyakromian!

(blogging from the capital)